The end of teenage dreams and throwing: at the age of 20 to 30 years, young men and women should decide on the choice of themselves and their fate. This meeting faces reality does not always go smoothly and has already received the name – "Crisis of a quarter of life".
For twenty years, most of us begin an adult life: education is completed, work appears, our own family, first children. But if 65% of 30-year-old men and 77% of women of this age considered themselves 50 years ago, now only 31% and 46%. The majority admit that they are disappointed, experience indecision, fear, feel boredom and confusion.
“Crisis of adulthood”, “early transitional age” – so psychologists determine this difficult time. But more often they call him the "crisis of a quarter of life". This term came into use thanks to two 25-year-old Americans-the observer of New Yorker magazine Alexander Robbins and the web designer Abbi Wilner, the authors of the book “Crisis of a quarter of life: unique life tests of those for 20”.
The topic turned out to be relevant for millions of graduates not only in the United States, but also in France, Italy, Germany: the book has become an international bestseller. In Russia, the same topic causes no less close interest of those who over twenty, as well as age -related psychologists, which people of this age are increasingly turning for advice.
Than the 25-year-old crisis differs from others
• It remains in the shade, although the 25-year-old crisis affects important aspects of their life and causes pain.
• This is a period of reconstruction, rethinking of oneself and developing new life priorities.
• You can survive it with benefit, because it is the crisis that makes us look for contact with ourselves, perceive ourselves realistic and solve internal problems.
The "quiet" crisis
The experiences of 25-year-olds have long remained in the shadow of more “high-profile” turning points-adolescence and middle-aged crises. Perhaps because they are not so noticeable to others. But, like any crisis, this one affects the most significant aspects of life and causes pain.
It took 27-year-old Oleg for several years to find a unique key to adulthood: “It was not easy for me to realize that my father’s advice and my mother’s care would not make me happy. I myself must be responsible for what is happening to me, for my disappointments, successes and failures. ".
The path to understanding this turned out to be long and left a lot of scars in the soul. Oleg tried to adapt to the lifestyle that his relatives imposed: having graduated from the Medical Institute, he came to work in a family company.
“In the afternoon I sat in my father’s office and openly missed,” he recalls. – My real life began in the evening, when my friends and I went to the club, listened to music, discussed new discs ". After a year and a half, “double life” Alexander left “from the Father” into a large recording company. “From the inside, the musical industry does not look so great,” he says, “but here I feel much more comfortable.”.
8 signs of "Crisis of a quarter of life"
If you are familiar with at least half of these situations, then the “Crisis of a quarter of life” has not passed you on.
- You have graduated from a prestigious university, but continue to interrupt with temporary part -time jobs, comforted by the fact that “there is a diploma, and thank God!"
- You miss work. You miss work.
- You miss a friend. You miss him.
- You first say to yourself: "I am no longer young".
- You are used to changing partners often, but for the first time you think: is it time to decide?
- You are a young woman, the question arises about children. You are a young man, you have the first gray hair.
- You have a lot of temporary works – interesting or necessary only for money. You ask yourself if it’s time to dwell on any one area.
- Your younger brother or best friend married, got a permanent job, took a mortgage loan, started children. You feel that you are bypassed.
The 26-year-old Lika also acutely feels the contrast between his own expectations and reality: “I was always sure that by 25 I would live on Nevsky, I will have a smart and successful boyfriend and my own program on television,” she admits. – Now I work in the news on the cable television channel, and most of the salary is eaten by the rental of Odinoki in the sleeping area in which I live alone. It seems to me that youth passes, but I can’t achieve anything ".
"Reality has become a shock for me"
Ilya, 27 years old, assistant notary
“I did not like school: my https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/cenforce-professional life was poisoned by the very need to go there, to obey idiotic rules. But I knew: it would end, I will be released and finally begin to live the way I want. Having received the profession of a lawyer, I hoped to quickly make a career. But everything turned out wrong. The work has become a shock for me: I again feel like a schoolboy who only masters the basics of adulthood. I am again from scratch, build a relationship, earn a reputation. It seems that you have to wait a long time when my efforts begin to bear at least some fruits. ".
Build the image of yourself
The feelings of Oleg and Liki are strong and sincere. “But many of those who belong to a more mature age, including parents of 20-year-olds, are critical and even ironic in assessments,” says psychologist Sergei Stepanov. – The experiences of young adults seem to them by the whims of spoiled children.
For a generation of parents, the presence of a decent paid work, a modest, but gradually growing prosperity serve as evidence that life has been a success. After all, many in his youth were deprived of this. ".
Inner conflicts boil in young souls. “And the deepest of them is associated with the first assembly of itself, with the search for its identity, which comes into conflict with reality, with what the young society offers,” explains the age psychologist Yuri Frolov. – When adolescence ends, it is important for everyone to feel independent of parents, but at the same time I want to feel the warmth and support of relatives.
20-year-olds feel the contradiction between the need for intimacy and fear of losing themselves, dissolve in a partner. As a result, there are an idealized perception of childhood and adolescence, nostalgia for them and regret about the “golden time” missed in that “golden time”.
This is not about a fracture or a radical shock of the foundations, but only about awakening – even anxious or bitter
“There are experiences, but they are not tragic,” says psychotherapist Stefan Clairege. – This is not about a fracture or a radical shock of the foundations, but only about awakening – even anxious or bitter. And, as with any awakening, someone in the morning torments spleen or hangover, and someone starts up with half the turn and immediately begins to make plans for the day ".
By the age of 30, we are reviewing the perception of ourselves taking into account new knowledge about reality, separate it from our own and parental fantasies and switch to a new life stage. This is a period of rethinking yourself and developing new life priorities – a serious turn that needs to be made. As with any turn, at first you slow down, doubt, and then you start moving with renewed vigor.
"It’s hard for me to make a choice"
Olga, 26 years old, author-performer
“After the institute, I worked as an accountant in a large company. Salary, prospects. But I hated this work, and at some point I could not stand it and quit. While I’m sitting at home, composing songs. After all, I dreamed about it – to live music! But here’s what to live? Mom repeats me to take up my mind. But what should I choose: go to work or continue to sing? The same in personal life – my boyfriend and I have been meeting for eight years, but I cannot decide to start living together ".
Separation from parents
Many opportunities are open to the young: you can work in a bank or play rock and roll, get married or flutter from Roman to Roman. However, the moment inevitably comes when you have to decide on the choice, and therefore, abandon all options, except for one. And at the same time, you will have to rely only on your own desires: the symbolic guidelines that the mother and father had previously served are no longer the former.
“I understand that so far there are many roads in front of me,” says Lika, “but you need to choose one! Then it will be difficult to beat out if possible at all. ".
According to the psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze, partly fear of the choice is explained by the behavior of the parents. Many of them are not ready to stay alone with them and delay the separation in every way.
“Directly or bypass techniques, they actually continue to intervene in the life of their children, dictating, where it should work or with whom to spend time,” Tatyana Alavidze said. – This is facilitated by their financial participation in the life of children. And as a result, they artificially delay the growing up of a son or daughter. ".
“It is important to distinguish between psycho -emotional and material independence,” says Stefan Clairege. – Often a graduate or young specialist continues to depend on domestic terms, maintaining internal immunity and independence in making key decisions. There is no direct connection here ".
"I envy those who are younger than me"
Farid, 29 years old, civil servant
“I just broke up with my girlfriend and returned to my parents. There is no economy, purchases, obligations and other "adult life"! Friends get married, start children, but I don’t want at all. I envy those who are now 18-20 years old. It was a great time for me – so free. I calmly feel myself only in the company of more adults – their society reminds me that I am still young ".
The wisdom of life
In the Chinese language, the word “crisis” consists of two hieroglyphs – “danger” and “opportunity”: this is how the ancient confidence that every problem situation has been laid down not only the destruction of the old, but also the creation of a new.
“There is no need to be afraid of the age crisis, it contains a culture of development and the wisdom of life,” Yuri Frolov is sure. – It is important to learn how to listen to your crisis, study it, because it is he who makes us look for contact with ourselves, allows us to gain psychological integrity, begin to perceive ourselves realistically and, as a result, resolve many internal conflicts with a positive exit from it ”.
"I’m afraid that it will be too late"
Elena, 25 years old, PR manager
“Everything is fine for me: the work as a whole suits, parents helped to buy a car, a small apartment – from my grandmother. But I live in alarm. Until now, life has been planned for several years to come: to finish the institute, move away from parents, find a job. And suddenly all the stages ended. And what’s next? I understand there are many opportunities: you can quit work, be a hitchhiking in Europe, learn how to jump with a parachute, enter a philosophical. In principle, everything is possible. But I don’t know what I want, but for a few more years – and it will be too late ".
“I was there and returned!"
Alexandra Robbins is the author of the world bestseller “Overcoming the crisis of a“ quarter of life ”: the advice of those who were there and returned”
“Crisis of a quarter of life” helps to understand that the time has come to solve their own problems ourselves. 25-year-old was very useful for me. I think I can avoid a middle -aged crisis, because by the age of 30 I managed to deal with the main issues of my own identity. Unlike our parents and grandfathers, we have the opportunity to solve our true desires before getting married or starting a career.
I believe that young people are painfully experiencing this time, because they consider themselves lonely in their feelings and explain their personal characteristics. This is a mistake. They do not talk about this with the peers who experience the same emotions, or with those who over thirty. And finally, many believe that "you will not change anything". But starting to start at all late at time!
Go along the road that does not suit you, only because one day you got into my head to step on it, much more difficult than getting off it and choose another – the one that will bring you, albeit right away, where you really want to get ”.
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Text: Galina Yuzefovich, Natalya Gridneva Source of photos: Jean-Doominique Ferucci for Psychologies France
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